Monday, April 12, 2010

Right where He wants Me...

We all go through things in our lives that leave us feeling...
hopeless, lonely, uninspired and hurt.
It's inevitable seeing as we live in a fallen world.
Life doesn't always go OUR way.
It's sucks, I know...but that's just how the cards fall.
As Christians, we can have faith that despite all this, there is a loving God in control.
And He has our best interests in mind.
It's a difficult concept to understand.
It's an even more difficult practice to put into play...
Faith in those really unruly times of life.
We all know faith is easiest displayed when things are going the way we want them to.
Not so much when they're not.

I've been having days like this as of late.
Days where all I want to know is why...
Why am I me?
Why am I Jon's wife?
I'll never question why I'm Emma's mother...
But why, of all the things God has called me to, do they so rarely go according to how I think they should go?
It's has caused me great strife.
I get mad because I feel like a failure.
I'm upset because I don't feel loved {like I want to be loved}.
I feel lost because parenting, no matter how beautiful, is hard.
I lose sleep over things that most people probably don't even care about.
And half of the time I feel like I'm crazy because of all it.

Times like this, due to the noise I create on my own...
I don't hear God.
And to me, He feels a million miles away.
In my deepest time of need.

It's not that He's not there...I just don't hear Him.
More so, I block Him out.

Have you ever read Sarah Young's Jesus Calling?
I haven't, not in it's entirety.  I just got it recently, having heard really great things about it.
It's a little devotional book that reads as if Jesus is speaking directly to you.
The day I bought it was a day I was having a really hard time...with everything.

Do you play games with God?
"I'll do this...if YOU do that?"
"We can play by Your rules, so long as they line up with mine..."
and so on and so on.
Or am I the only one that does this?

So I get this book on this really bad day and immediately I start to bargain.
I challange God.
"God, you know, You seem like you could care less right now that I'm hurting as bad as I about You prove me wrong.  Give me an let me know you're still there and you do in fact care!"

I opened to the appropriate date in my new devotional and this is what it read...

This is the day that I have made.  Rejoice and be glad in it.  Begin the day with open hands of faith, ready to receive all that I am pouring into this brief portion of your life.  Be careful not to complain about anything, not even the weather, since I am the Author of your circumstances.  The best way to handle unwanted situations is to thank Me for them.  This act of faith frees you from resentment and frees Me to work My ways into the situation, so that good emerges from it.
To find joy in this day, you must live within its boundaries.  I knew what I was doing when I divided time into twenty-four -hour segments.  I understand human frailty, and I know that you can bear the weight of only one day at a time.  Do not worry about tomorrow or get stuck in the past.  There is abundant life in My Presence today.
~Scripture references Psalm 118:24 and Philippians 3:12-14

I said, "Go ahead me whatcha got!"

And then I got sucker punched in the gut...I got the proverbial baseball bat to the head...I hit the brick wall of God.  The truth hurt and I bargained for more than I could handle.

He said, "Okay, you want the it is!"

He showed me that He is all I need.  Anything else that I'm under the impression of needing is meaningless.  And that means sacrifice on my part.  Laying down my hurt, my indiscretions, my worries at His feet and knowing that Jesus has died for all of it.  When He created this world, He knew about this day in my life...better still, when He hung on that cross, my broken heart on this very day, is what kept Him there.

And the same is true for you and the yuck in your life.

That's pretty uncomfortable isn't it...knowing that all our junk is no match for God Almighty.  In fact, we should even be thankful for our junk...because Jesus has taken care of it all!! What amazing news!

Dear Jesus, forgive me for questioning Your love for me.  Was it not that love that sent You to Calvary?  Lord, teach my heart to rely only on You, expecting not my way, but Your way for it is best.
I praise you that when I ask for truth, You supply it, no matter how difficult it is to hear.  And I thank you that when I challenge your intentions, You force the submission and repentance of my heart.  All out of adoration for me.  
God, no matter my woes, may you be glorified in everything.  Thank you simply for giving me life.
I love you.

(I'm sharing this as part of Motivate Me Monday over at The Fifth Street Palace.  Check it out!)





Serving While Saving said...

What an awesome post, Kelli! Thanks for sharing your heart with us!!

Holly said...

Kelli, the manner in which you share these feelings and your faith is pretty darn amazing and inspiring. Your honestly is appreciated and brave and refreshing.

The Fifth Street Mama said...

Growing in painful. Remember in the darkness what you have learned in the light my friend.

amariaf2000 said...

Even if we don't want to admit it, I think we all "test" God - God, please, just show me this?! Or if this happens today, etc. Great post.

Luv ya,
~angela @ peonypatch