The Perfect Mess...

The girls and I were dying yarn yesterday and prior to getting started I was winding it into a hank so the dye would disperse evenly.  I failed miserably with the first batch as it ended up a tangled mess, which took me about two hours to unravel.  

As I sat there looking at the uniform half positioned on the yarn swift, and then the other half in a wad of mess...I thought about how both resemble my life at times.  Specifically, how I can be completely content, yet perfectly restless, at the very same time.

By definition contentment is the exact opposite of restlessness.  But I have found that God has brought me, interestingly enough, to a place of both numerous times in my life.  Now being one of those very distinct times.

I am, without a doubt, content with the life I have been blessed with.  I have a beautiful family, a warm home.  My children are my pride and joy.  My husband is a pure gift and he works hard so I can be home with our babies.  I hold the freedom to homeschool, which is very important to us.  Life as a stay-at-home mother of (almost) four, though it isn't what I pictured for myself ten years ago, has taught me so much and brought me closer to the Lord than I could have ever managed on my own.  This life has enriched my faith by leaps and bounds.

Yet still, as content as I am, I have a restlessness within me.

Not a sense of longing for something different.  No, not different at all.

I long for something more.

Thinking on my daily duties and responsibilities, 'more' seems almost silly.  I don't have time for "more".  But I feel this almost constant tug to be more than just what I am.

Having been extremely self-sufficient, driven and career focused prior to marriage and family...maybe it's the independent and entrepreneurial spirit in me.  It could be that I have always performed best with multiple things on my plate.    

But I long for an outlet...to hone in on my craft.  For something to bring to our collective table of income.  I long for something that blesses others, while filling me with accomplishment.  I long for a ministry outside the home.  I dream of being the quintessential Proverbs 31 woman.

How did she do it all, Lord?  Let me be like her!

 These feelings certainly don't negate how eager I am in my current post as wife and mom.  I regard my position and ministry in my home as one of complete blessing; I wouldn't trade it for the world.  But it's ok to want more.

My contentment lies within the duty of being mother to my children and wife to my husband.  Eventually it will include being caretaker of parents.  These I accept and look forward to it.

The restlessness lies in being...

ME.

And how to mesh the two together.

Lord, thank you for all you have given me.  Thank you for giving me charge of my home and my little family.  They are amazing and teach me to love you more deeply each and every day.

But when you made me, you made me with distinct talents and aspirations unique to my personality and abilities.  Show me when and where to use them, Lord.  Repeatedly align my heart and will to yours.   Show me how to do what you have called me to do and be who I am to be in You.

I love you.

Amen

My Answer...

Photo Courtesy of ClassiclyAmber

My little family and I.  Wonderful husband.  Three amazing children.  And one on the way.

The farther along in this pregnancy I get, the more I grow and prepare, the more I'm faced (almost everyday) with the question, "Are you done?"  Family asks me.  Friends ponder.  Well-meaning strangers inquire.  Even my own heart and mind settles in on the often wondered little detail.

Am I done having children?

With every baby I've determined that we were in fact "done' after each one.  I'd deliver and for two years I'd explain time and time again, "Nope, we're done.  Not having anymore children."  But inevitably, every time, we WOULD NOT be done.  Another would soon be joyfully welcomed into our family.  

Then it would start all over.

Here we are a fourth time around and I believe I may have learned my lesson.  In fact, when a friend asked, yet again, not so long ago if we were planning on more babies, my answer even shocked me.

"I don't know."  

I really don't know.  I have felt done with each child and God has renewed my Spirit and worked on my heart.  He has given me strength when I thought I didn't have it in me to mother another single human.  And now, I don't feel done.  I'm right on the cusp of birthing a precious little baby into this world and the prospect of more doesn't absolutely terrify me. 

I'm getting older.  Our home is only so big.  Sometimes I feel completely inadequate at being mama to the children I do have.  And all the reasons the world is throwing at me...

Kids are expensive.

What about you time?

Don't you look forward to them becoming more independent?

You can't possibly homeschool that many.

How do you show enough love to each individual child?

And on and on and on....

Really, if I'm logical, I have everything to be terrified of.

But.  

I don't know if we're done.

And that's ok.

God's call of my life may be completely different than what His call is for you.

   It's about me submitting my will to His.  And though it isn't easy to do...  

That's just where my faith comes in.  

My child bearing days will be over all too soon and I will be able to answer with confidence that our family is complete.  Until then, only God knows the number of children He wishes to give me.  Only God can bring peace to my heart and to the heart of my husband...truly it's a matter not meant for the masses, but one met in union with Christ and the man He blessed me with.  It might not make sense.  It might not look ideal.  It may not fit what society says.

And I may often look as if I'm learning as I go...wandering aimlessly through my life that is motherhood.  I probably am.

No...I definitely am.

But I can say, without a doubt, when it comes to this decision it is one that is met prayerfully.  It is one when the whole idea seems upside down to everyone else...

Jesus says to me, 

"You're not old."

"Square footage doesn't make what a home is."

"I will provide."

"Find rest in Me."

"True freedom comes only from depending on Me."

"You can do anything with My strength."

"Your heart is big enough."

and...

"I'll give you the grace, the patience, the love for more children than you can imagine.  They are all such a blessing."

"JUST. TRUST. ME."

So with that, I can't wait to meet our newest addition.  I'm furiously knitting for him, preparing diapers, washing tiny baby gowns and praying over the little boy he's destined to grow up to be.

And if there are more...I can't wait for them either.

Dear Jesus,

I praise you for the work you've done in me...and I trust that you have a great many things in store for my family, however big or small, we may be.  Lord, I thank you for the children you have blessed me with.  I thank you for being present with me and teaching me Your ways and Your heart with each one.  I'm such a project, but You never give up.  You are constantly loving on me and showing me Your will for my life.  I welcome whatever You bring my way.

I love you.

Amen

Yarn Along...

~ Two of my favorite things are knitting and reading and I love sharing my projects and current reads here. I would love for you to join me every Wednesday to share a single photo of what you are knitting (or crocheting) and reading too!~

These banana muffins are some of our favorites here.  Often times I'm not on top of things enough to prepare breakfast ahead of time...like cinnamon rolls or crockpot oatmeal.  But these are quick and tasty.  They can be whipped up in a matter of minutes and please even my picky eaters.  The recipe calls for nuts, but we sub in mini chocolate chips.

Currently on my needles are tiny baby socks and I think they may just do me in.  I originally started with the Perfect-fit Newborn sock, but the closer I get to turning the heel, the more confused I become.  Heaven forbid I look on to the gusset.  From what I can tell, most baby socks are fairly similar in construction so I think I may continue with a pattern I understand a bit better.  Here's one I'm more likely to figure out.  Though I may make the foot a little longer.

The wee chunky hat was a stash buster and it almost didn't become a reality.  I was limited in both the right size dpn's and yarn, but I just kept knitting until I couldn't anymore.  I think it turned out ok.  My baby's have big noggins though, so my only hope is it fits once baby boy arrives.  This is a very basic knit flat hat, no pattern per se, but my Ravelry notes are here.

This week I started reading Hands Free Life and though I'm not very far in, the idea of striving towards a more meaningful existence, apart from ALL distractions (be it electronics, dishes, chores, various responsibilities) is enlightening.  I have such a difficult time separating the fact that I'm not bound by "things".  I have set these self-imposed expectations for myself and I'm the only one keeping tabs.  Of course I can't let my home go to squalor or never get school done with the children.  But none of these things are as pressing as I make them out to be.  Throw in the constant need to be "plugged in" and I suffer greatly from comparison syndrome.  Hopefully this book will lovingly guide me in giving up these ideals because as much as they stress me out, imagine the impact they have on my family.

Also on my reading list are my scripture birth affirmation cards.  I made these three years ago when I had my son (found the idea on Pinterest) and they helped immensely in staying focused on Christ during my labor.  I have no doubt they will be more than beneficial this time around as well.  April can't come soon enough...I'm so looking forward to meeting this little guy.

I'm joining Ginny today over at Small Things for her weekly yarn along.  I so enjoy being a part of a collective project, seeing everyone's handiwork and inspiration.  It brightens my day each Wednesday.  Please check it out!

Thoughts...

I looked back at my last blog entry and it was one year ago. Eeeesh!
So much has transpired in that year...for starters, the wee babe in the last post's picture is turning two in just a few days. And of course, we are adding another little one to our family in just a couple months. I am, in the matter of just a few weeks, going to be the mother of a newborn, a two year old and a five year old. That boggles my mind.

But I have so missed writing. In my days I find there is little time for it,and I'll admit I tend to overlook the moments I do have that I could be logging my thoughts, but I do miss it.

I asked my husband, if I loved writing so much and if I felt it was a calling on my life, why did I avoid it like the plague? And I've received my answer many times over ever since.
Because it is a calling, I feel, every time I sit to put pen to paper God pours out. By no means am I claiming to be filled with Jesus. I should be...I want to be...but I very much struggle to let Him consume me. It's a battle that I face daily. I hate giving up my control. But when I write, there is no controlling Him. He is there in all His glory and regardless if I'm the only one reading or not, revelation occurs. The words out there for all to see add a dynamic of accountability, which hunkering down and refusing to sort through issues and brain mess don't provide.

He speaks to me through prayer, through His word, sometimes even through me washing the dishes, but when I write, He not only speaks, but I listen. And that's a scary thing to experience...listening.

I often joke (even though I'm completely serious) how, if I am so unwilling to listen to my God, am I supposed to teach my children to listen to Him, or me, or anyone in authority?

It's a slippery slope I try to walk. But inevitably, He always brings me back around. He always finds my heart out in the darkness and He leads me back to light. Even when I desperately try to outrun Him, or stop writing, or taking up new hobbies to completely block out what it is He's trying to share with me at that given moment...He's there waiting to love on me.

A great example of this is recently I've been knitting a prayer shawl (never mind it's the same one I started a year ago) to cover me during this next birth. And I've said all along how as I knit, I would cover this shawl in prayer, but honestly I've neglected to do so. It wasn't until the other day that as I knit I actually let His Spirit guide me. And though it was less in prayer form, more in just continual concerns, requests, pauses, and even conversation, I left that shawl's progress with peace about everything I brought to Him.

Throughout this whole pregnancy I have been dealing with worry, fear and the what if's of past experience. My concerns have ranged from the what the rest of this pregnancy will look like, the birth, the pain and even afterwards with adjusting to not only three children, but now a little BOY! I repeatedly asked Jesus to give me clarity on all of it...to give me peace in all the emotions, the decisions that differ this time around and to surround me with help and wise counsel.

Outwardly I had stuffed all of this. And I certainly didn't write about it. But during this little knitting dialog that took place He promised if I would listen carefully and ONLY seek Him in all of it, then I'd be ok. My baby would be ok. Everything would be ok. Then He made me promise to journal my thoughts.

So here I am...I may not have been writing all of this before now, but He found me where I was and He gave me answers. He's still giving me answers...everyday I open to the perfect scripture or a
friend emails excellent, godly perspective. A song touches just the right cord with me or I get those gut reassurances that can only be Him. It's been amazing.

So with each stitch of that prayer shawl (that I was supposed to be praying over) I was really hiding under it's gradual completion. However, it's still been the tool to bring down my walls, dispose of my pride and knit me closer to God's heart and His will for not only my baby's arrival, but my writing as well.

I'll look back at today's post and I'll listen. I'll trust. It will serve, just as most of my other posts have, as a reminder that no matter how long I wander, my Jesus is faithful. And He is my strength.

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee. Trust ye in the Lord forever: for in the Lord JEHOVAH is everlasting strength. " -Isaiah 26:3-4

Joining Ginny over at Small Things for her weekly Yarn Along...

Winter...

We went to church yesterday. It has been a long time since we've been. Too long actually. We are searching for a church home and the process has been such an arduous task (always is) that we put it on the back burner for a while. I'm ready to get back to it though. Both my heart and my spirit are in need of it... The worship. The teaching. The fellowship.

The message was quite timely and appropriate for me. It was a new series on winter. Specifically, the winter of our souls. To sum it up, we all, at some point, go through personal winters with trials and cold and loneliness. I couldn't agree more. I myself am just coming out of my winter. Only now am I able to look back and see how my pain spurred me on in my growth.

2011 was a hard year for me both emotionally and spiritually. I wasn't able to allow myself grace... much less from God or others. I tried to forage through alone. And granted, I still made it out. It would have been much easier (if winters are easy) if I had sought Jesus along the way. I'm learning, in hindsight of course, that I'm not left alone...to my own devices. For even when I have no one, I still have my Father God.

With this knowledge I have and am experiencing true freedom in 2012. My heart is on the mend and my spirit is being lovingly brought back to life. Thank you, Jesus!

I now have a quiet time in the mornings that have completely transformed my days. I couldn't be more thankful for the wisdom and the strength I'm gleaning from time in His word...things I've always hoped for, but wasn't willing to put the work in to achieve. Up until now, no amount of encouragement or accountability could have helped me in my diligence and dedication. My winter was that consuming.

But I wanted to live! I wanted change! I wanted more! And I wanted it...now.

My dear mother once told me..."when you want to change bad enough, then you will". My bad enough got real bad and I can't sing loud enough praises to the Mighty One for bringing me to a place where the snow and the ice and the cold let up just enough that I could see my way out, so that I could see Light.
Hope.

My personal spring is here. Earlier than our literal one. But it has arrived to the tune of joy and harps and praises. I hear the song of angels in my heart and it is good.

Winter will come again...it always does. But next time I'll be ready. Because He hears my cries.

I am not alone.

"God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up.  They're created new every morning.  How great is Your faithfulness.  I'm sticking with God (I say over and over).  He's all I've got left."

Lamentations 3: 22-24

The Message

My To-Do List...

I was in the van going to CVS this evening and it was one of the few times when I was able to listen to the radio, in peace.  My oldest girl was at home with her daddy so I was spared listening to Tangled DVD for the thirty gazillionth time.  The baby was with me, but she doesn't care what I listen to.

I immediately turned it to the local Christian station hoping to hear some praise and worship songs (which my soul in in desperate need of), but instead I got some talk show.  Couldn't tell you what the name was or who it featured.  All I caught was one sentence and then all I could do was replay it in my mind over and over and over.  Funny how you often think you need one thing (worship), but God has a way of knowing you need something else (hardcore truth).  And boy did He give it to me.  I needed to hear that one sentence.

Because it's me to a T.

I expected Toby Mac, but this is what God delivered to my ears...

"I talk to women all the time and it's like somewhere in their twenties or thirties they wake up mad one day and don't know why...they are so used to living in the past they are too scared to move on to what the future holds for them."

Um.  Wow.  Thanks, God.  That was a little...uh...raw.

But geez does He know me.  Like, it's His job and all, to know me that is.  But I'm still amazed when He SHOWS me how well He knows me.  Even when I've been keeping my distance from Him lately.

See, I am mad.  And I could probably tell you why.  Boy oh boy could I...but that's another five year blog project so I won't do that to you.  But it has a lot to do with living in the past.  And most of all, being fearful of the future.

It effects all I do.

It mars everyone I come in contact with.

It's all consuming.

And to put it simply, it really sucks.

So there.  It's out there.  God basically spoke through this radio personality what I have been feeling for a while now and I'm supposed to do something with it.  Like every good blogger I decided to write about it.  I'm being accountable and sharing my shortcomings with an albeit small audience.  I am embracing vunerability.  And like every good Type-A, I made a list, too.

A list to signify where I've been and where I'm going.  A list of what I hope to accomplish in the next three years, most of it because God has placed it on my heart, some of it just because.  All of it because Jesus is an Awesome God.  He is Healer, Redeemer, Daddy and Cheerleader and no matter past, present or future, He loves me and has plans for my life.

So here it is...

My (hopefully before I turn 35, stop living in the past, let Jesus heal and look forward to the future) 

To-Do list:

(in no particular order)

1. Reclaim my relationship with Jesus.  Establish a routine of spending time with Him and in His Word.

2. Memorize all of Proverbs.

3. Compile my writings on faith and share.

4. Become a birth professional, expounding upon my own expeience so as to educate and guide others in theirs.  Obviously this would take some more education myself.

5. Write.  Keep writing.

6. Learn to live with joy.  Smile everyday for no reason.

7. Become the mother I so long to be and pass joy on to my children.

8. Learn to take a decent picture.

9. Learn to knit.

10. Travel to Ireland.

11. Have another child.

12. Be at peace with {my} birth, no matter what that looks like.

13. Learn to love me.

14. Be a better wife.

15. Be a better friend.

16. Be a better believer.

17. Walk a straighter path, like that of Jesus.

18. Learn to play with my girls, and enjoy it.

19. Develop my creativity.

20. Learn to nurture my ______. (marriage, children, self, faith, etc.)

There is probably a ton more I could list, but this is good for starters.

Sorry I've been absent lately.  Have had a lot going on.  Writers block for one, but it seems in most cases once inspiration sparks, it's hard to tame the flame.  Let's hope this is the case.

Thanks for reading.

Kelli

The You through Me that I Call You to Be....

Most days I feel like a speeding frieght train, out of control, charging down the tracks to pending doom.

When my head hits the pillow at night I feel like my train has crashed into a mountainside, or down a rocky ravine. Scores of movies involving locomotives plague me...no brakes, conductor jumps to safety and the bridge is out ahead.

Most days I'm a momma on a mission and my ability to sit and enjoy my children, exhibit calmness, patience, and lovingly instruct, isn't even a thought in my mind.

I rush from thing to thing...from to-do to the next to-do all while trying to manage a nursing babe and an emotional preschooler.

I hear the squelch of my brakes starting to give.

Though my thoughts often turn to Jesus, my heart seldom does in these moments...when I need Him most. And I wonder who I am and what I've become. A wife and a mom, but who else? Where is the Kelli I once knew?

My identity seemingly jumped ship a long time ago.

The fruits of the Spirit are not mine. They are mine for the taking, but I overlook them as I grab for the controls instead. My temper is quick, my tone is harsh and just like coal being burned up by the second...I've allowed the joy, His joy, to be sucked right out of me.

I slam through the "DANGER AHEAD" sign and the broken tracks are right there...

The alternative to this, quite frankly, seems boring. Even annoying in the throws of my day.

A passenger train going from stop to stop. Letting people on, letting people off. Getting a little taste of each town. Boring?  Maybe...but certainly Calm. Sure. Safe.

I've seen these passenger train people before. Gliding through life almost effortlessly. Enjoying each day as if it's a city they've never seen. Not to say they don't have trials...it's just how they handle their trials and everything else in life. I want that and at current I don't have it.  They are quick to give credit where credit is due...they are not in control...rather their Almighty is. They have joy. And peace. And confidence. They know who they are.

In Jesus.

My identity should be... is in Jesus.

And if I would let Him steer me, not only would He guide me to safety, but He would reveal little bits of who I am in Him along the way.

What this looks like...

Simply, time with my God.

Prayerful meditation in the Word.

Listening.

Carrying my cross with thanksgiving.

Relationship.

Living it all out...changed.

Next stop...the me He calls me to be.

Dear Jesus, I am out of control. But I long for Your Spirit to transform me. Here...take it all. And show me who I am. I love you.

Healing...

I took a bath last night.

It was the first bath (in my big tub) since the birth of my daughter over a month ago. 

You might wonder why this is worthy of a blog post, but if you know my birth story (I'll have to share it on here sometime) it took that entire month for me to even be able to look at the tub, much less get in it.

It was there that I did most of my laboring.

It was there, in that tub, that I pushed...only to be told to stop pushing because I wasn't fully dialated like we originally thought.

It was there that I argued with my midwife about her responsibilities.

And it was there that I decided to go to the hospital.

That tub, to me represented for the longest time, the place in which I would birth my baby.  But in the end, it became the place where my plans for a homebirth would take a drastic turn.

In that month I've thought so much about that night and all the details of it. 

I've gone from numb to angry to sad to defensive to numb again.

And now I've come to acceptance.

I planned a homebirth.

It didn't go as planned.

Even once at the hospital I could have stuck to having a natural labor and delivery, but I gave in and requested a c-section.

Didn't have to have one.

I asked for one.

I've had to heal from the whole ordeal, but mostly this desicion alone.

As a self-proclaimed semi-crunchy mom, it hurts a little bit knowing I allowed myself to get to that point.

Once we decide we want things to be a certain way, it's hard to come to terms sometimes with the fact that we might change our minds.  That we are allowed to change our minds.

I was allowed to change my mind.  And I did.

Yet I still felt I failed somehow.  After 32 hours of labor, 24 of which were natural and drug-free...I felt like a failure because I asked for a c-section.

I was so concerned about Jon being disappointed in me.  Of course he was my rock...and my pillar of strength.  He supported me every step of the way.

The only one disappointed was me.

Before last night in that tub, despite seeing God's hand and hearing His prompts in the whole situation, I felt like I needed to defend my actions. 

I am a homebirther...at heart anyway.  So when given the opportunity I think I have to spill into detail about how I had this grand plan.....blardy, blardy, blar...

I don't have to explain myself.  Nor do I have to defend anything.

I have a beautiful, healthy girl.

I'm healthy.

And I'm still a semi-crunchy, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, non-vaxing, all while feeding my eldest Mickie D's nutty mom.

I'm so proud of who I am.  And most of all who I'm responsible for...my precious family.

Last night in that tub I was reading a mommy devotional that was titled, oddly enough, "Mommy's locked in the bathroom."  And at the end of the devotional the Scripture listed was...

~Even youths grow tired and weary, and young stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.

Isaiah: 40:30

I've been tired and weary from the moment I went into labor.  I stumbled throughout the whole experience.  I've fallen more than I care to admit since then.

But all throughout I have had hope in my Lord.  That He would renew me and my strength.  He has done just that.

Physically.

But His guidance and reassurance the entire way has renewed my strength both mentally and spiritually as well.

My plan was not His plan, but His plan has shown me the true meaning of healing.  And healing is exactly what I'm doing.  It's a good feeling.

Because goodness gracious...I love my tub.

Fed...

Having a newborn has proven to be very time consuming.  Having a newborn and a toddler...consequently all I do is nurse and discipline.  Cuddle and rock to sleep.  Laundry and dishes.  But I think it goes without saying I rarely have time to myself.  To bathe, much less blog.

Sorry for the long absence.  But doesn't it makes a heart grow fonder?  I've missed you.

Motherhood taught me so much the first time around...about myself.  This time I'm learning equally as much...about God's grace.

As I sit with my baby to my breast, I notice how intent I am that she recieve that nourishment.  Despite the pain that goes with it in the first weeks.  I revel at the dedication it takes because breastfeeding isn't fun, particularly in the beginning.  The enjoyment comes, at least for me, later on once we've grown accustomed to one another and babe has figured out their latch. 

It makes me think of those Tribal women on the front of National Geographic with a baby nursing from their lap.  The image I have is one of a malnourished woman often with a toddler latched on.  It looks painful as her breast hangs from the child's mouth.  But how else would that baby thrive?  Where else would it's food come from in a world where food is sparse?

The mother is...Intentional.  Dedicated.  The baby is...Fed.

As moms we look to our futures with our children with happy hearts at all the joys they bring to our lives.  But it isn't until we're in the thick of parenting that we realize how hard it is.  The sacrifice that's required of us so that our children thrive and are healthy and fed. 

Being a mom is a joy.  But it hurts sometimes, too.

No one tells us girls that when we're stuffing bridal magazines and baby names in our keepsake boxes.

Yet, with all the physical pain nursing can bring, and all the emotional and spiritual pain I know I'll feel as my girls grow, I look down at my babe and peace has overcome her.  My milk is calming her very being.  Filling her tummy and making her sleepy.  She clings to my shirt with one hand.  And a smirk crosses her little face.  Contentment to the max.  Happiness like nothing we've ever known.  She's safe...she's fed and she knows it.

This makes me think of my relationship to Jesus.

How painful was it for Him to carry that cross to Calvary.  And then hang there on it, bound and nailed at both His hands and feet?  How painful was it for Him to bare my sin.  And your sin.  Everyone's sin from begining to end, right there in His sinless body?  And finally, how painful was it for the Son to feel that inevitable seperation from the Father as He took on our every indescretion?

Pain is nothing that Jesus hasn't felt right along side of us.

And how intent is He that we live in relationship to Him?  How dedicated is He that we thrive and are whole and healthy?

It is His biggest wish that we find joy and peace...contentment and nourishment in His love and grace.

For me, to sit and nurse for an hour, though tiring, is nothing if it's for my girl.  But to sit in the presence of my Lord for 15 minutes a day so as to be fed myself...well, I just can't find the time.

If I could speak for Jesus, I would guess He yearns to look down on us, clinging to His robe looking peaceful and calm.  Full spirits and full hearts.  Smiling...knowing that we are safe and cared for.

He does for His children just as we do for our own.

I know I'm in the habit of not making Him my habit.  I know I will make any sacrifice for my children, but I have yet to make a sacrifice for my God.  And now, as a mother of two, it's a realization I'm even more aware of.  To be the mom I so long to be, it's time these sacrifices be made.  And allowing Jesus to feed me is the first step.

Joy...

I was looking around facebook today perusing through the recommended friends that I might know and I came across a young man that I went to high school with. I clicked on his profile because though his name was familiar, I didn’t have a clue who he was from the picture posted. Well, he had some other pictures on there of him and his family and before too long, despite the shaggy beard and long hair, I started to recognize him.

I didn’t befriend him. I didn’t know him well in school…he was one of those “know of” people. But something in his pictures struck me.

Joy.

The pictures of him and his wife, him and his children and even shots of just him, radiated joy.

I was reminded how precious life is. How short our time here on this earth with our loved ones really is.

A stranger, for all practical purposes, in a handful of facebook photos, spoke into my life about the sanctity and sacredness of all the things we have been given responsibilty over this side of heaven.

For those of us that are blessed with partners in this life, we have been given divine responsibility in tending to another’s heart. To care for an nurture an adult, probably completely different from ourselves, in all ways physical, emotional and spiritual.

And for those of us that are parents, we are ordained to train up and lovingly guide our children. We’re beyond blessed to nurse wounds, to wipe away tears, to give piggy back rides, protect, cuddle and live as an example for these little hearts.

But so often, somewhere in there, with the demands of life and heartache and disfunctional upbringings, we lose the joy that is meant…that is necessary in these relationships.

Our marriages are our legacy.

Our babies are our gifts.

And it is up to us to not only conduct these bonds with Joy, but to create Joy for those we are bonding with.

I’ve always imagined traveling far and wide with my family, but because I fall into the “oh, we can’t do that until the kids are older” category I limit myself in what I think we’re capable of doing or not doing. This is a tiny example and kids don’t need cross-country excursions to taste joy, but I find that I place these limitations across the board of my life in a lot of what I do. I become stingy. Disgruntled. And before too long, I won’t even consider going to the park after a rain just to let my girl jump in puddles.

It’s the little things. Smiles and laughter. A little dirt and a lot of fun, literally and figuratively.

And it’s been entrusted to me to create joy in a number of shapes and forms through grace and through love.

I confess to letting things get to me and allowing them to rear their ugly heads when interacting with my husband and daughter. The two people who bring the most peace to my existence, the most happiness to my soul, I take out the bulk of my frustrations on. I sometimes lack joy.

So, in turn, I commit to smiling more. And letting the calm of God’s presence settle over my heart. I commit to kissing my husband and holding tightly to him as if today might be my last. And I commit to being a parent first to my children, but being their friends as well...a woman who they cling to now as their mommy, but will one day cling to as the woman who raised them in faith, strived to make life and learning fun, who would die for them and ultimately the woman who taught them to pass on this same joy it’s taking me a lifetime to learn.

Dear Jesus,

I praise you that you have thought it wise to give so graciously to me my husband and children. They are great and precious responsibities, ones I too often take lightly. But my prayer is that You will give me the wisdom and the strength to be the wife and mother you would have me to be. I yern to love like you love. To parent as you parent. And to walk in joy as you have said I can do through the joy of You…though I will face trial, never once allowing the enemy to snare my steps. Lord, I love you and I thank you so much for all the blessings you have bestowed upon me. Help me to know how to best bring forth fruit from Your havest in my life. You are an amazing God.

I love you.

Amen.



Be still...

I was struck by a song I heard on the radio this morning. It really resonated with me and though a Christmas song, I think it can speak volumes into my life right now as well as in the days and months to come.

Amy Grant’s “I Need a Silent Night”.

The chorus says it all….

I need a silent night, a holy night

To hear an angel voice through the chaos and the noise

I need a midnight clear, a little peace right here

To end this crazy day with a silent night

It’s the holidays which in terms of busyness needs no explaination.

I’m expecting our second child, again…needing no further detail.

My girl is growing leaps and bounds before my eyes and craves, right here and right now, “togever” time with her mama. I know this won’t last forever.

With the dawn of a new year, I cast my gaze upon a multitude of changes in my life. None bad, but all very scary. And consuming.

Everything in this world around me is whirling and in my head I hear this song…

I need a silent night, a holy night…to end this crazy day with a silent night.

But in reality, it’s not just a night I need. What I really need and what God is gently yet persistently calling me to is having a “silent life”.

He is urging me to lay it all down…at the foot of the cross and let Him do what he is so very good at doing. He’s telling me over and over, just be still and know that I have it all under control.

But my feeble brain tells me I’m nesting and I have to get this checklist of stuff done before the baby gets here. The season tells me that I have to have THE perfect gift for everyone on my list and some of them need to be handmade. Oy.

My daughter is telling me that she knows her world is about to be rocked when her sister comes into this life and I translate that into having craft time and dance time and movie time…

My Lord and Savior tells me to go out into the world and make disciples in all the nations baptizing in His name.

And I’ve got laundry and dishes and church responsibilities and bills and what about down time?

What about me time? Or time for my husband?

It’s overwhelming. It’s too much.

But it doesn’t have to be.

If I’m being frank…all of it, every last bit…is self imposed.

I don’t need the perfect gift for everyone. In fact, gifts aren’t what it’s about at all is it?

This baby is coming into this world whether the dishes are done or not. Why have checklists and gridcharts to map out what ultimately I can’t control or change anyway?

My girl doesn’t crave activities…she craves me. So what about just…cuddle time?

And what if…just what if going out and making disciples is less about the “doing” and more about “being”? We don’t have to make it difficult, because it’s not.

I recently told a friend that in order to live out our lives for Jesus we had to be willing to DO just as He did. Looking back, now I think I was a bit wrong in that…

Truly we hold the power of the Holy Spirit within us to do just as Jesus did on this earth. But I think we, and I’m really referring to myself, tend to take that to mean we are the ones DOING it. When in reality we aren’t DOING anything. God is doing it, through us. We are but a vessel…He doesn’t need our help… with anything in this life. He is the Almighty God of the Universe, surely He could snap His fingers and all would be done. Why do we constantly nip at his heels hoping to help things along? Hoping to make things better? Striving to organize and strategize, staking our claims, making our marks, making/having the best____(fill in the blank) etc., etc.

He calls us not to do. He calls us to be. Be examples of his love and grace and joy. He calls us to be willing to let Him work through us. He’s calling us to chip away the “just good” for the “truly great.” To be able to lay our everything on the alter of sacrafice and let Him work His will in the refining flames.

He calls us to be still.

We have Thanksgiving under our belts now as the Holiday season surges forward. Oh, and there is so much to be thankful for.

Won’t you take time to bask in that thankfulness. To revel in the beauty that is being in God’s presence. Christmas is upon us and Jesus came to us in a silent night so that we might have eternal rest in Him.

Be.

Still.

In.

It.

Rest. In. It.

Dear Jesus,
Thank you for your love…your mighty, convicting love. Remind me that my reasoning and scheduing and to-do’s and holiday rushes are irrelevant in Your infinite and amazing plan for my life. Assure me that the blessings I have and the accomplishments I aspire to are not of my doing, but of yours. Use me Jesus…in such a way that my life, through the simplicity of being still in Your power and grace, is a testament to those around me. Thank you for Your love for me and this world. Thank you for coming to us in the form of a child. Thank you for Your life. And for Your death on the cross. What more needs to be done…for You have done it all.

I love you.

Amen.

Stupid...

 I grew up being taught that the word "stupid" was a bad word and unacceptable.  In fact, the one spanking I remember receiving from my Papa (who never spanked) was because I said "stupid".

Maybe it's trivial...but I determined long ago that my children wouldn't use the word either.

And it's a tough rule to follow because sometimes it sounds so fitting in certain contexts, but really, if you think about it, "stupid" (or any other similar word) is unnecessary to use.

As I've started reading the book of Matthew the last couple of weeks, it's funny, this was brought to light in one particular Scripture that had me both proud for implementing this rule, but also extremely enlightened at that severity in which it's discussed by Jesus.

Our words are precious.  And we must...MUST chose them wisely.

You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment."  But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell. (NLT)

~Matthew 5:21-23

This is pretty serious stuff, people.

Wouldn't you know it, Emma heard it for the first time not too long ago (not by her mother or father I might add) and now it's become more and more of a favorite word of hers.

It's her "button" word when she wants to trip ALL my buttons.

She'll look at me or her daddy and say, "sssssssssssssss-TUPID, Mommy".  Or, "ssssssssssssssss-TUPID, Daddy."

A test.

And right, wrong or indifferent, I just don't think it's a word any two year old child should run around reciting.  It's just not nice.  Therefore we've taken to repremanding her when she says it.

Some would say this was too harsh...it's JUST a word for crying out loud!

In fact, the very person Emma heard it from recently pointed out to me that in the Message version of the Bible, "stupid" was in fact used. 

Given the above verse, I had a sneakin' suspicion I might know of at least one particular Scripture that used the word so I looked it up.

And sure enough...

"You're familiar with the command to the ancients, 'Do not murder.' I'm telling you that anyone who is so much as angry with a brother or sister is guilty of murder. Carelessly call a brother 'idiot!' and you just might find yourself hauled into court. Thoughtlessly yell 'stupid!' at a sister and you are on the brink of hellfire. The simple moral fact is that words kill. (The Message)

~Again Matthew 5:21-23

My point is this:

Regardless of whether we take this verse literally or figuratively, the truth is (and Jesus is saying this, ya'll) our words hold a power in them that we can barely even begin to comprehend.  They can destroy relationships, they can shatter self-esteem.  Words can communicate hate, disrespect and as an example of the latest Bullying deaths, words can kill.  What we say can strike at the heart of souls.  And in the case of believers, the words we chose can either back-up or negate our testimony for Christ.    

My challenge to everyone reading is to be thoughtful of what you say in the coming days.  Be aware of your responses with your loved ones, your co-workers and even the guy who cut you off in traffic.  Consider the verbage your children are picking up on and/ or using at school or Facebook.

And do something about it.

Make a change and stop spewing off at the mouth.

Because you don't always know who's listening or who it's affecting.

One day, it could come back to affect you.

Let's stay true to the old saying, "if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all."

I know this is something that's going to take a lot of work on my part.  But I'm with you on this walk.

Our words...

It really, truly is serious business.  Think about it, folks.

Dear Jesus,

Guide my mouth and the words and tone and attitude that come from it, Lord.  I ask that you give me only love to speak of and the patience to hold my tongue when anything less wants to come flying out.

Lord, I ask that you give me the strength and wisdom, despite what others think, to teach my children both Your Word and Your words.  May You, through me, instill in them the very same love.  May the importance of what they say always be on their hearts and I pray all that flows from their lips is truth and grace.

I love you.

Amen 

God Eavesdrops...

Remember that infamous church sign I saw a couple weeks ago that read,

"Short Sermon Week"?

Well, again on my way to work today I passed the same sign and now it reads,

"God Eavesdrops".

This sign makes me think. 

I'm starting to take a liking to it.

I was seeing this right at the exact moment that I was marveling over God's providence...

and in utter amazement that He IS involved in the minute details of our lives.

I was riding the fine line of wonder and doubt.

Does God really care about that?

Oh, He eavesdrops alright...

But it goes way beyond that as well.

I experienced an answered prayer today.  Nothing earth shattering.  Nothing major.  But a prayer nonetheless.  I had a simple worry that I let get to me until a few days ago when I said...you know what...God did not create me to worry.  Tomorrow can worry for itself.

And I handed it over to Jesus.

Today, my worry no longer exists because God provided an answer to my need.

The thing with eavesdropping is you can choose to sit on the learned info or you can use it.

God already knows what's in your heart so He doesn't have to "eavesdrop" per se.  I think what He's intent on hearing is...

your surrender.

So He can move in your life.

God can do anything...

He can change any heart...

He can move mountains and remove any obstacle...

Regardless.

He is involved in every facet of our lives.

Because He loves us.

But sometimes, not that He's standing idly by, we're just too busy paying attention to all the other junk plaguing our lives to notice that God is on our side.

He's eavesdropping and He's doing something about it.

Because He loves us.

We just have to learn to accept it and let Him.

Then be amazed.

Dear Jesus,

I love knowing that you take care in the little things of my life.  You are involved with everything, both big and small, that consumes my heart and my mind.

Lord, I give it to you.  And I beg you to work in my life and in the lives of those I love.

I pray you open our eyes to Your majesty and Your handiwork, no matter the concern or the worry.

Amaze us with Your attentiveness.

And answer our prayers, please Dear God, in Your will and Your way.

I love you,

Amen

Simple...

On my way to work today I passed by a church.

You know how most churches have signs out front with some sort of message?

Sometimes they're witty like...

"CH__CH.  What's missing?  UR."

(bu dump bump ching)

or

"Autumn leaves - Jesus doesn't."

Sometimes the signs simply state what's going on.

The church I passed today..their sign read this:

"Short Sermon Week."

And though I don't think it was intentional on the part of the sign, I found this extrememly funny.

I laughed out loud.

Then my mind started reeling...

Did the pastor do that to bring people in?  Because everyone LOVES a short message.

Was it a ploy...?  We'll put Short Sermon Week on the sign to bring in the masses and then once they're in here we'll have a play on words and then make them sit for over an hour."

Or, is it really Short Sermon Week?  Is there a game that Preacher wants to get to so for the sake of honesty he's being up front and letting people know..."Hey guys, I've got VIP tickets to X game and church is gonna be over by 11:53 on Sunday."

It made me think of my Dad's pastor who tells everyone ahead of time the Lord has a lot for him to say on that day so get comfortable.

Most people look forward to the idea of Short Sermons.

I for one enjoy a well thought-out and prayerful sermon.  And if that means on the longer side, then so be it.

But from a societal standpoint, we (being the instant gratification, On Demand, DVR, Call Ahead, X-press Pay, WiFi everywhere, I-Phone addicted, Gotta Have it Now, More More More, Me Me Me people we are) have schedules and things to take care off.  The shorter the message the better.  Sunday (or Saturday~ whichever you prefer) is not a day of rest anymore...it's just another day and church can tend to tap into that day that you still need to GET STUFF DONE!

I love learning the in's and out's of Scripture from someone else's perspective.  And if that means sitting for 45 minutes vs. 12 minutes, then that's ok by me.

I like to take notes and soak in what the Holy Spirit is impressing upon my heart in that time.

I enjoy the academic side of it...the preparation and prayer and research and time that goes into what I hope most pastors put into their sermons.  If I were preaching and did all that work, I'd make it long too.

Short Sermon Week

But as all this was going through my mind and I was becoming a bit offended by this sign, God said to me...

"Is that the point?"

Hmmm....

When asked to draw a heart do we draw this?

Or this?

We draw the more simple one don't we?

So why do we, make the message of Jesus so complicated?

Again I thought back to the sign and it occurred to me maybe the pastor is just bringing simple back for a week.

No bells, no whistles, no expository research, no theological training necessary, anyone and everyone can understand...Short Sermon Week.

Because though the life and times before, during and after Jesus are important and interesting and in depth and even necessary for a believer to embrace and learn about at somepoint...

The Message of Jesus is Simple.

In fact, my two year old sums it up perfectly....

Jesus is God.

He was born a baby to His mommy Mary.

When He was big He died on a cross for our sins.

Because He loves us.

He went to Heaven.

But He'll come again.

And we'll get to meet Him.

We can make things really hard sometimes what with all the denominational disagreements and idiosyncracies.  Shoot, most members of ONE individual church have different beliefs most the time!

And we let all that get in the way.

We make it unnecessarily difficult, when it really isn't difficult at all.

But Jesus says,

"Just know me.  That's all."

The Great Big God of the Universe, who hung all the stars in the sky and who made our complex brains, bodies and hearts asks us to simplify.

I Am God.

I made everything you see, yet I came to this earth as a mere babe...defenseless and dependant.

I died a criminal's death.  Hung.  On a cross.

For You.

Because I love you.

I am in Heaven.

But you'll see Me again soon.

Dear Jesus,

Thank you.  Thank you that you have given us brains and hearts to learn about and feel Your message and love.  But praise and glory be to You, Lord that it's a simple one.  One that is meant for everyone, big and small, young and old, every color and creed, from all walks of life.

Speak it to us daily, Jesus.  And give us courage to share it, Lord.

I love you.

Amen