Yarn Along...

~ Two of my favorite things are knitting and reading and I love sharing my projects and current reads here. I would love for you to join me every Wednesday to share a single photo of what you are knitting (or crocheting) and reading too!~



I have to apologize...

My yarn alongs are certainly lacking variety lately, but I am in full baby, birth and diapering mode!

This week found me knitting yet another diaper cover.  An Ottobre Design soaker with slight modifications.  I won't say it's my favorite pattern thus far.  I was not a fan of the actual construction...thinking knitting flat would be easier, I actually prefer knitting in the round for soakers of this style.  It's also not without mistakes.  The seaming was no easy task.  Don't look too closely, but my stitches don't line up.  This might bug me astetically in the larger scheme of things, but fortunately it won't affect the functionality of it.

I do love the Malabrigos Rios yarn I used for this project.  It was a joy to work with!  And it's perfect for sensitive baby skin.

As for reading I'm going back to Redeeming Childbirth by Angie Tolpin.  I started this book three years ago when I was pregnant with my third child, but I never finished it.  This time, I'm pressing on as it is such an encouraging read about Christ-centered childbirth.

I'm joining Ginny at Small Things for her weekly Yarn Along and I hope you'll check it out.  So much delightful inspiration!

My Answer...

Photo Courtesy of ClassiclyAmber

My little family and I.  Wonderful husband.  Three amazing children.  And one on the way.

The farther along in this pregnancy I get, the more I grow and prepare, the more I'm faced (almost everyday) with the question, "Are you done?"  Family asks me.  Friends ponder.  Well-meaning strangers inquire.  Even my own heart and mind settles in on the often wondered little detail.

Am I done having children?

With every baby I've determined that we were in fact "done' after each one.  I'd deliver and for two years I'd explain time and time again, "Nope, we're done.  Not having anymore children."  But inevitably, every time, we WOULD NOT be done.  Another would soon be joyfully welcomed into our family.  

Then it would start all over.

Here we are a fourth time around and I believe I may have learned my lesson.  In fact, when a friend asked, yet again, not so long ago if we were planning on more babies, my answer even shocked me.

"I don't know."  

I really don't know.  I have felt done with each child and God has renewed my Spirit and worked on my heart.  He has given me strength when I thought I didn't have it in me to mother another single human.  And now, I don't feel done.  I'm right on the cusp of birthing a precious little baby into this world and the prospect of more doesn't absolutely terrify me. 

I'm getting older.  Our home is only so big.  Sometimes I feel completely inadequate at being mama to the children I do have.  And all the reasons the world is throwing at me...

Kids are expensive.

What about you time?

Don't you look forward to them becoming more independent?

You can't possibly homeschool that many.

How do you show enough love to each individual child?

And on and on and on....

Really, if I'm logical, I have everything to be terrified of.

But.  

I don't know if we're done.

And that's ok.

God's call of my life may be completely different than what His call is for you.

   It's about me submitting my will to His.  And though it isn't easy to do...  

That's just where my faith comes in.  

My child bearing days will be over all too soon and I will be able to answer with confidence that our family is complete.  Until then, only God knows the number of children He wishes to give me.  Only God can bring peace to my heart and to the heart of my husband...truly it's a matter not meant for the masses, but one met in union with Christ and the man He blessed me with.  It might not make sense.  It might not look ideal.  It may not fit what society says.

And I may often look as if I'm learning as I go...wandering aimlessly through my life that is motherhood.  I probably am.

No...I definitely am.

But I can say, without a doubt, when it comes to this decision it is one that is met prayerfully.  It is one when the whole idea seems upside down to everyone else...

Jesus says to me, 

"You're not old."

"Square footage doesn't make what a home is."

"I will provide."

"Find rest in Me."

"True freedom comes only from depending on Me."

"You can do anything with My strength."

"Your heart is big enough."

and...

"I'll give you the grace, the patience, the love for more children than you can imagine.  They are all such a blessing."

"JUST. TRUST. ME."

So with that, I can't wait to meet our newest addition.  I'm furiously knitting for him, preparing diapers, washing tiny baby gowns and praying over the little boy he's destined to grow up to be.

And if there are more...I can't wait for them either.

Dear Jesus,

I praise you for the work you've done in me...and I trust that you have a great many things in store for my family, however big or small, we may be.  Lord, I thank you for the children you have blessed me with.  I thank you for being present with me and teaching me Your ways and Your heart with each one.  I'm such a project, but You never give up.  You are constantly loving on me and showing me Your will for my life.  I welcome whatever You bring my way.

I love you.

Amen

Yarn Along...

~ Two of my favorite things are knitting and reading and I love sharing my projects and current reads here. I would love for you to join me every Wednesday to share a single photo of what you are knitting (or crocheting) and reading too!~

I knit this precious little wool soaker for my nephew back in November (Ravelry notes here) and it is what set me on the course of exploring wool's roll in cloth diapering.  I dabbled with my last child by sewing up two soakers from thrifted sweaters, but I was completely confused and intimidated by the wash and lanolizing routine.  I never used those covers and eventually gave them away.

But this time I decided to really knuckle down and learn.  It turns out, it isn't a difficult process at all. 

This will be my fourth time cloth diapering and my preferences have changed so much since I started in 2008.  Slowly over the years I've moved to natural materials.  For my first two children all of my diapers were bumgenius pockets.  I actually did add in a few organic elementals with my second.  For my third I transitioned to organic cotton prefolds and PUL covers.  Now, this time around, I've settled on organic cotton prefolds and fitteds with wool covers.  I think my journey in knitting has affected my decision greatly.  There are so many distinct differences when knitting with manmade materials vs natural...in how they feel, how they wear and how they stand up to hard use.  Things I didn't consider prior to learning to knit.

So given wool's long history of it being a breathable, self cleaning, moisture wicking material...I think it's the perfect choice for us and baby #4.

Which leads me to this weeks Yarn Along project.  The WHW Plain Wrap.  

I chose this diaper soaker because of the ability to customize closures.  I haven't decided on whether I'll use aplix or buttons yet, but I'm leaning towards buttons.  I knit the small size wanting to have a cover for those first few weeks (I have big babies), but the more I knit the more I think I should have actually gone with the newborn size.  We'll see.  Next on my list and after researching even more I believe my go to soaker pattern is going to be the Curly Purly pattern with inch and a half leg cuffs.  It seems to get stellar reviews in both ease of the pattern and functionality.

I'm still knitting the baby socks from last week and finishing up Hands Free Life from last week as well.

New on the list of reading is my friend's Bradley Birth Workbook.  Birthing nerves are upon me and this has lots of useful tidbits.

I'm joining Ginny over at Small Things today for her weekly Yarn Along.  Please check it out!!

Yarn Along...

~ Two of my favorite things are knitting and reading and I love sharing my projects and current reads here. I would love for you to join me every Wednesday to share a single photo of what you are knitting (or crocheting) and reading too!~

These banana muffins are some of our favorites here.  Often times I'm not on top of things enough to prepare breakfast ahead of time...like cinnamon rolls or crockpot oatmeal.  But these are quick and tasty.  They can be whipped up in a matter of minutes and please even my picky eaters.  The recipe calls for nuts, but we sub in mini chocolate chips.

Currently on my needles are tiny baby socks and I think they may just do me in.  I originally started with the Perfect-fit Newborn sock, but the closer I get to turning the heel, the more confused I become.  Heaven forbid I look on to the gusset.  From what I can tell, most baby socks are fairly similar in construction so I think I may continue with a pattern I understand a bit better.  Here's one I'm more likely to figure out.  Though I may make the foot a little longer.

The wee chunky hat was a stash buster and it almost didn't become a reality.  I was limited in both the right size dpn's and yarn, but I just kept knitting until I couldn't anymore.  I think it turned out ok.  My baby's have big noggins though, so my only hope is it fits once baby boy arrives.  This is a very basic knit flat hat, no pattern per se, but my Ravelry notes are here.

This week I started reading Hands Free Life and though I'm not very far in, the idea of striving towards a more meaningful existence, apart from ALL distractions (be it electronics, dishes, chores, various responsibilities) is enlightening.  I have such a difficult time separating the fact that I'm not bound by "things".  I have set these self-imposed expectations for myself and I'm the only one keeping tabs.  Of course I can't let my home go to squalor or never get school done with the children.  But none of these things are as pressing as I make them out to be.  Throw in the constant need to be "plugged in" and I suffer greatly from comparison syndrome.  Hopefully this book will lovingly guide me in giving up these ideals because as much as they stress me out, imagine the impact they have on my family.

Also on my reading list are my scripture birth affirmation cards.  I made these three years ago when I had my son (found the idea on Pinterest) and they helped immensely in staying focused on Christ during my labor.  I have no doubt they will be more than beneficial this time around as well.  April can't come soon enough...I'm so looking forward to meeting this little guy.

I'm joining Ginny today over at Small Things for her weekly yarn along.  I so enjoy being a part of a collective project, seeing everyone's handiwork and inspiration.  It brightens my day each Wednesday.  Please check it out!

A Letter...

Dear You Know Who You Are,

In light of yesterday's post on my being mad, I thought it best to address why (at least partially why) my days are spent living in the past.

I should have had this on my to-do list as I've been planning a letter of this sort for quite some time.  I just haven't had the courage to put pen to paper. But seeing as there has yet to be any closure for me, I felt this might be a therapeutic exercise in not just release, but possibly even forgiveness.

Consider this public diatribe the best, most gentle emotion I could muster. Especially since I have wanted nothing more then for this to end up in your mailbox...with a few more choice words included.

So I hope you're reading. In fact...I'll count on it that you are. Regardless, I will consider myself done with this...with my hurt...and with you as soon as I hit the post button. Suffice it to say, this letter and my washing my hands of my experience is the first step (in what I'm sure are many) to my piecing my faith, my self-esteem, and my heart back together after what you put me through.

First of all...to call yourself a midwife is comical. To label yourself as a helper is laughable. To claim your services a ministry is blasphemous.

You have scarred me for life in attempting what you knew from the beginning you were not capable of. You have taken my dreams and ideas of what birth is and you have jaded me. You have given good midwives a bad name. You have made me doubt my body...the process...and trust.

After preaching how to dissolve fear and build confidence...you were the one that instilled fear in me and shot the amount of confidence I had in my body to have my baby. I have had to forgive myself time and time again for what you did...or didn't do rather. It wasn't ME (or my issues) that was preventing my labor from progressing as you stated over and over. No. It was you. My body was simply protecting itself and the baby within me from you and your warped sense of birth.

You gave up. You grossly overestimated your qualifications. You wanted to leave me when I was 8cm. You argued with me. You lied. You even told me you were in no condition to help me since I'd been in labor for so long. 

You were supposed to lend encouragement.  Comfort.  Sincerity.  You asked me three days before I went into labor what I wanted my birth to be.  And my answer was simply...the calmest, most stress-free experience possible.  You successfully gave me the exact opposite.  And everything you have seemingly worked torwards in your study and practice of midwifery...you marred that day.  You abandoned your duty and your commitment.

Even in the aftermath, you reminded me that what you promised was to be my servant, not my Savior.  And trust me, I never once expected to be saved.  But you did indeed fail miserably at serving.

Because of this I likely will never have the birth I had so hoped for.  I don't know that I could now find the courage to attempt a homebirth again.  Certainly I want more children, and I believe God will guide me and protect me in how they arrive, but thanks to your antics, I do now fear birth.  Certainly I still believe that women can have beautiful homebirths and no doubt I will always support it, but how can I bounce back from being one of the ones who didn't...not due to medical emergency, but instead because of selfish gain.

I have to say now that up to this point, the blame has been entirely directed towards you.  But in all honesty, I have to accept part of it, too.  I was negligent in choosing you to attend my birth.  Because I trusted you and your price was right.  Because you were a follower of Jesus.  Because you spoke soothingly and had glowing credentials, I allowed myself to be fooled.  I believed what I wanted to believe and ultimately I made a wrong decision.  And beyond that wrong decision, I went on to have the exact opposite birth (c-section) that I had originally planned because I gave up.  I have blamed giving up and requesting a surgical birth on you, but the truth is, that's not your fault.  I chose that.  You simply contributed to the exhaustion prior to my  making that decision.

I think it's important to note that I wish you no ill will.  I don't hate you.  And from this point on, I will commit to praying for you.  I can be thankful that God was with me when you were not.  I can praise Him that through all of it He protected me, my baby and my family.  And I can only turn to Him from now on as He has placed a desire on my heart to one day become a birth professional myself.  To educate.  To protect.  To advocate for.  To be a voice.  But most of all, to love and truly minister to women and their babies.  I can only be appreciative in accepting that you were part of that grand plan for my future, because God is going to turn my pain into something beautiful I'm sure of it.

And so the moment we've all been waiting for...I know I have...  After all the hurt of these last seven months I choose to move on.  I choose joy.  And I choose to forgive you. 

I do...I forgive you.

Kelli