The girls and I were dying yarn yesterday and prior to getting started I was winding it into a hank so the dye would disperse evenly. I failed miserably with the first batch as it ended up a tangled mess, which took me about two hours to unravel.
As I sat there looking at the uniform half positioned on the yarn swift, and then the other half in a wad of mess...I thought about how both resemble my life at times. Specifically, how I can be completely content, yet perfectly restless, at the very same time.
By definition contentment is the exact opposite of restlessness. But I have found that God has brought me, interestingly enough, to a place of both numerous times in my life. Now being one of those very distinct times.
I am, without a doubt, content with the life I have been blessed with. I have a beautiful family, a warm home. My children are my pride and joy. My husband is a pure gift and he works hard so I can be home with our babies. I hold the freedom to homeschool, which is very important to us. Life as a stay-at-home mother of (almost) four, though it isn't what I pictured for myself ten years ago, has taught me so much and brought me closer to the Lord than I could have ever managed on my own. This life has enriched my faith by leaps and bounds.
Yet still, as content as I am, I have a restlessness within me.
Not a sense of longing for something different. No, not different at all.
I long for something more.
Thinking on my daily duties and responsibilities, 'more' seems almost silly. I don't have time for "more". But I feel this almost constant tug to be more than just what I am.
Having been extremely self-sufficient, driven and career focused prior to marriage and family...maybe it's the independent and entrepreneurial spirit in me. It could be that I have always performed best with multiple things on my plate.
But I long for an outlet...to hone in on my craft. For something to bring to our collective table of income. I long for something that blesses others, while filling me with accomplishment. I long for a ministry outside the home. I dream of being the quintessential Proverbs 31 woman.
How did she do it all, Lord? Let me be like her!
These feelings certainly don't negate how eager I am in my current post as wife and mom. I regard my position and ministry in my home as one of complete blessing; I wouldn't trade it for the world. But it's ok to want more.
My contentment lies within the duty of being mother to my children and wife to my husband. Eventually it will include being caretaker of parents. These I accept and look forward to it.
The restlessness lies in being...
And how to mesh the two together.
Lord, thank you for all you have given me. Thank you for giving me charge of my home and my little family. They are amazing and teach me to love you more deeply each and every day.
But when you made me, you made me with distinct talents and aspirations unique to my personality and abilities. Show me when and where to use them, Lord. Repeatedly align my heart and will to yours. Show me how to do what you have called me to do and be who I am to be in You.
I love you.