Photo Courtesy of ClassiclyAmber
My little family and I. Wonderful husband. Three amazing children. And one on the way.
The farther along in this pregnancy I get, the more I grow and prepare, the more I'm faced (almost everyday) with the question, "Are you done?" Family asks me. Friends ponder. Well-meaning strangers inquire. Even my own heart and mind settles in on the often wondered little detail.
Am I done having children?
With every baby I've determined that we were in fact "done' after each one. I'd deliver and for two years I'd explain time and time again, "Nope, we're done. Not having anymore children." But inevitably, every time, we WOULD NOT be done. Another would soon be joyfully welcomed into our family.
Then it would start all over.
Here we are a fourth time around and I believe I may have learned my lesson. In fact, when a friend asked, yet again, not so long ago if we were planning on more babies, my answer even shocked me.
"I don't know."
I really don't know. I have felt done with each child and God has renewed my Spirit and worked on my heart. He has given me strength when I thought I didn't have it in me to mother another single human. And now, I don't feel done. I'm right on the cusp of birthing a precious little baby into this world and the prospect of more doesn't absolutely terrify me.
I'm getting older. Our home is only so big. Sometimes I feel completely inadequate at being mama to the children I do have. And all the reasons the world is throwing at me...
Kids are expensive.
What about you time?
Don't you look forward to them becoming more independent?
You can't possibly homeschool that many.
How do you show enough love to each individual child?
And on and on and on....
Really, if I'm logical, I have everything to be terrified of.
I don't know if we're done.
And that's ok.
God's call of my life may be completely different than what His call is for you.
It's about me submitting my will to His. And though it isn't easy to do...
That's just where my faith comes in.
My child bearing days will be over all too soon and I will be able to answer with confidence that our family is complete. Until then, only God knows the number of children He wishes to give me. Only God can bring peace to my heart and to the heart of my husband...truly it's a matter not meant for the masses, but one met in union with Christ and the man He blessed me with. It might not make sense. It might not look ideal. It may not fit what society says.
And I may often look as if I'm learning as I go...wandering aimlessly through my life that is motherhood. I probably am.
No...I definitely am.
But I can say, without a doubt, when it comes to this decision it is one that is met prayerfully. It is one when the whole idea seems upside down to everyone else...
Jesus says to me,
"You're not old."
"Square footage doesn't make what a home is."
"I will provide."
"Find rest in Me."
"True freedom comes only from depending on Me."
"You can do anything with My strength."
"Your heart is big enough."
"I'll give you the grace, the patience, the love for more children than you can imagine. They are all such a blessing."
"JUST. TRUST. ME."
So with that, I can't wait to meet our newest addition. I'm furiously knitting for him, preparing diapers, washing tiny baby gowns and praying over the little boy he's destined to grow up to be.
And if there are more...I can't wait for them either.
I praise you for the work you've done in me...and I trust that you have a great many things in store for my family, however big or small, we may be. Lord, I thank you for the children you have blessed me with. I thank you for being present with me and teaching me Your ways and Your heart with each one. I'm such a project, but You never give up. You are constantly loving on me and showing me Your will for my life. I welcome whatever You bring my way.
I love you.