I looked back at my last blog entry and it was one year ago. Eeeesh!
So much has transpired in that year...for starters, the wee babe in the last post's picture is turning two in just a few days. And of course, we are adding another little one to our family in just a couple months. I am, in the matter of just a few weeks, going to be the mother of a newborn, a two year old and a five year old. That boggles my mind.
But I have so missed writing. In my days I find there is little time for it,and I'll admit I tend to overlook the moments I do have that I could be logging my thoughts, but I do miss it.
I asked my husband, if I loved writing so much and if I felt it was a calling on my life, why did I avoid it like the plague? And I've received my answer many times over ever since.
Because it is a calling, I feel, every time I sit to put pen to paper God pours out. By no means am I claiming to be filled with Jesus. I should be...I want to be...but I very much struggle to let Him consume me. It's a battle that I face daily. I hate giving up my control. But when I write, there is no controlling Him. He is there in all His glory and regardless if I'm the only one reading or not, revelation occurs. The words out there for all to see add a dynamic of accountability, which hunkering down and refusing to sort through issues and brain mess don't provide.
He speaks to me through prayer, through His word, sometimes even through me washing the dishes, but when I write, He not only speaks, but I listen. And that's a scary thing to experience...listening.
I often joke (even though I'm completely serious) how, if I am so unwilling to listen to my God, am I supposed to teach my children to listen to Him, or me, or anyone in authority?
It's a slippery slope I try to walk. But inevitably, He always brings me back around. He always finds my heart out in the darkness and He leads me back to light. Even when I desperately try to outrun Him, or stop writing, or taking up new hobbies to completely block out what it is He's trying to share with me at that given moment...He's there waiting to love on me.
A great example of this is recently I've been knitting a prayer shawl (never mind it's the same one I started a year ago) to cover me during this next birth. And I've said all along how as I knit, I would cover this shawl in prayer, but honestly I've neglected to do so. It wasn't until the other day that as I knit I actually let His Spirit guide me. And though it was less in prayer form, more in just continual concerns, requests, pauses, and even conversation, I left that shawl's progress with peace about everything I brought to Him.
Throughout this whole pregnancy I have been dealing with worry, fear and the what if's of past experience. My concerns have ranged from the what the rest of this pregnancy will look like, the birth, the pain and even afterwards with adjusting to not only three children, but now a little BOY! I repeatedly asked Jesus to give me clarity on all of it...to give me peace in all the emotions, the decisions that differ this time around and to surround me with help and wise counsel.
Outwardly I had stuffed all of this. And I certainly didn't write about it. But during this little knitting dialog that took place He promised if I would listen carefully and ONLY seek Him in all of it, then I'd be ok. My baby would be ok. Everything would be ok. Then He made me promise to journal my thoughts.
So here I am...I may not have been writing all of this before now, but He found me where I was and He gave me answers. He's still giving me answers...everyday I open to the perfect scripture or a
friend emails excellent, godly perspective. A song touches just the right cord with me or I get those gut reassurances that can only be Him. It's been amazing.
So with each stitch of that prayer shawl (that I was supposed to be praying over) I was really hiding under it's gradual completion. However, it's still been the tool to bring down my walls, dispose of my pride and knit me closer to God's heart and His will for not only my baby's arrival, but my writing as well.
I'll look back at today's post and I'll listen. I'll trust. It will serve, just as most of my other posts have, as a reminder that no matter how long I wander, my Jesus is faithful. And He is my strength.
"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee. Trust ye in the Lord forever: for in the Lord JEHOVAH is everlasting strength. " -Isaiah 26:3-4
Joining Ginny over at Small Things for her weekly Yarn Along...