I have to once again express my deep gratitude for the conversation that stemmed last week from my simple question about Family Planning.
Your comments and insight were beyond what I had hoped for and I so loved reading each and every one of your perspectives. They were profound, enlightening, encouraging, and honest. I really never expected to get such a wide range of thoughts on the topic, but it was so nice to have people from all different views contributing.
One question that was posed to me throughout the conversation was, "Why did I ask...what prompted my inquiry?"
And at first it was simply because I had read an article about family trees and the complexity and richness of large families. I am the only biological product from my mother and father. Though my family now includes a step-mother and sister, my bloodline (with my generation as the starting point, is not that diverse). In light of that, I looked at my husbands family, one in which he is number eight of nine children.
The differences that naturally occur when comparing a semi-only child to a nine child family are remarkable and it really got my wheels turning in terms of what I wanted all that to look like for my girl when she was old enough to understand and appreciate family size.
The more I thought about it, the more I was taken back to my own desire of always wanting four kids. From an early age, I have wanted that "medium" size family of my own.
Having said that, now that I have been through pregnancy, labor and now am in the process of motherhood, my mind often wanders to whether I am cut out to handle more that one or two kids.
Don't get me wrong, I love my girl more than words can even express, and I don't consider myself alone when I say being a momma is hard. I just wonder if I (as in my personality and make-up) am made to mother multiple children. Did God make me that way? It's something I struggle with. I go back and forth with wanting to adhere to God's will when the time comes for more and then getting caught up in the "what ifs" of life and whether we could handle more children.
This was the deeper reason for the original question and I think one comment from Brooke really summed it up...
Not so much should we or shouldn't we do this or that, but instead, "Do we trust God?"
Do I trust God?
I say this in the midst of dear friends of mine embarking on having more babies, adding second, third and maybe even fourth little blessings to their families and they do it in faith. Regardless of circumstances. And I also say this as a woman who is neither trying to prevent getting pregnant, nor actively trying.
Where is my faith?
It's terrifying to me. More children. Pregnancy. Wanting more, but feeling incompetent at parenting one. What large family dynamics look like. My daughter being an only child. How my husband feels about all this. Getting older. Round and round my brain goes, where it stops nobody knows....
This is why I genuinely wanted to know what the real, tangible thoughts and feelings were out there about this subject.
But most of all, I posed this question, because I want to be that person. I want to be that mom who steps out in faith and truly, from the depths of my soul, trusts God to do what he may with my womb, no matter what that looks like for me. It's just so hard to do and my humanness gets in the way . Particularly when my mind can reason the pros and cons for both sides of the spectrum. So your comments haven't necessary solved the inner debate going on inside of me, but they have given clarity to lots of other questions I had deep down inside. And I so appreciate that.
To all of you that chimed in, know that I am praying over this. And I do know that God will give me peace about what my family is supposed to look like.
And I also hope to chat again soon...who knows what I'll be asking next time!