Sunday, January 24, 2010

Calling....



I have to admit...
This is a really long post.  It's also all over the place.  Forgive me.

Deep breath....GO!

I've gotten my calling wrong many times during the course of my life.
I remember as a child wanting so badly to be a doctor.  As I grew older I knew, specifically, that I wanted to be a doctor that delivered babies.  Then once I entered high school and honed in on a little bit of medical terminology, I knew I wanted to be an OBGYN.
I also, from a very early age loved to write.  But I wouldn't learn to really develop this until much later and actually, I'm still working on it!
But back to being a doctor...
It's funny, looking back, how involved God was in my life long before I even fathomed a relationship with Him.  I never would have noticed His divine providence then, but now I can clearly, without a doubt, say that He charted my path even when I had all these grand (very well mapped out) plans for myself.
I entered my senior year with enough biology, math and Latin credits under my belt to accompany any pre-med student into their first years.  All that was left was anatomy and I was well on my way to being a doctor.
Long story short, three weeks into it I dropped the class seeing as I was totally grossed out and I took study hall instead.  At least there I could study.....
Or write.
I have to note that I'm sure we provide God with a healthy amount of chuckles when we think we are in control of our own lives.  But let's face it people...He rearranged a high school senior's class schedule!!  He's THAT involved (in control of) in our lives!
At the same time I was dropping out of anatomy, I was also offered an opportunity to serve as one of the part-time anchors on our school news channel (aka: the morning announcements).  
I wasn't on there every morning, but I can tell you when I did have a spot, adrenaline rushed through me like I was bungee jumping from the New River Gorge Bridge.  And though I was nervous and probably messed up a thousand times...I needed a new passion and since the whole MD thing wasn't going to work, this seemed like a nice alternative.  I immediately set my sights on Katie Couric's job...I was going to be a journalist.
I had a new calling.
I went on to study journalism in college and actually excelled at it.  It allowed me to explore my writing more and in depth, which would prove to be very useful later on.  I loved it!  I would be leaving college with three internships under my belt...one from a regional magazine headquartered in Roanoke where I got my name in print more than a handful of times, one from my college's PR office and one from the Peace Corps press office in Washington, DC.  I'll just go ahead and say it... I was cocky enough to believe that I could land any job I wanted.
Again...God chuckled.
I couldn't get a job to save my life!  Not even the Roanoke news paper would hire me and before too long my mom was needing me to contribute to the household if I was going to live under her roof! Aye yi yi!

How did I get this wrong??  I mean, I thought I was good at this!  How could I not get a job!?!
This is where I'm going to spare you the details of several years and my failed pursuit of journalistic stardom...
I went to grad school, studied corporate communication all while working at Target (first as a cashier, then up the ranks to an Assistant Manager of a store).  I also wrote part-time for a local Arts and Leisure magazine in Roanoke.  Left Target, moved to Charlotte, NC and got a job at an investment firm (numbers, eeke!), which is where I am to this day.
Is my current job my passion?
No.
Is it my calling?
No.
Just as medicine and journalism weren't either.
Then what's the daggum point of this post you ask!?!
The point of it all is, God had greater things in store for me all along and I was blind (up to a certain point) as to what it was.  
My calling had nothing to do with Med school or NBC.  No where in His plans was there room for lab coats or  prime-time spots.  And it took me 28-years, getting married and having a baby to finally figure that all out.
God's call on my life was and is to be a mommy.  The best mommy I can be to my girl Emma and any other children that I pray we will be blessed with.  At one point I would have scoffed at this, but right now, at this very moment in my life, I am so (more than) ok with it.  I want it more than anything I've ever wanted in my life.  And I say all of this with the confidence that being a mom, a full-time mom, has nothing to do with me abandoning other goals that I've set for myself.  Such is not the case.  Keep reading.

Jesus is walking with me and teaching me some very hard lessons right now because I still work part-time and it kills my heart on those days I have to leave Emma with someone else (though I know she is in the most loving and capable hands).  I want nothing more than to be with her, being those loving, capable, mothering, hands every day of the week.
But whereas I was totally oblivious to God's dealings in the minute details my senior year and in my anatomy class, I am more than aware of how involved He is in the minute details of this current situation.  Leading me every step of the way, I can reach out and touch the when that I will be at home all the time with my little ones...I just have to trust.  Trust God that he has it all figured out.
I write all this to say too, that a lot of times, while we are so caught up in trying to figure out what we're going to do with our lives, we're missing out on what God's plan and purpose for us is.
Now, here is where I can assume that not everyone reading this is a Christ follower, but rest assured good people, He still has a plan for your life, regardless of whether you want to follow it or not or whether you are aware of it or not.
And that gives me comfort.  It gives me comfort, as strange as this sounds, that I'm not in control...that you're not in control.  Because you know what?  I don't know about you, but I mess up.  I mess up A LOT!  That's why this stinkin' post is so long and could have been even longer.
I have felt lost and hopeless and like a failure so many times and it's because I wasn't aligning my heart to the wills of my Heavenly Father.  He was nudging me and guiding me all along, I was just too stubborn to acknowledge it.
So it comforts me to know that despite what self-imposed or societally-imposed expectations and goals are set before us and despite how many times we'll fall flat on face at trying to meet them, our gracious God has an even greater will and purpose for our lives then we could ever imagine.  We may still fall on our face a bit, but in the case of Christ's plan for us, He's always there to help us back up.
Though none of the "callings" I thought were callings ended up being so, there was one thing that God blessed me with that, along with His love and direction, has been there with me from the get go...that's my writing.  And in knowing I am called to be a mother, a shepherd of my children, so too do I know that I'm supposed to be writing this now.  I don't have to abandon this.  This is part of my call as well.

Those of you reading may tire easily at my laborious musings, but I can't tell you the joy (second to being a momma) this brings to my heart.  God has gifted me with this expression and I am so thankful to Him for that.  It's the one thing I feel like I've tracked with Him on from the beginning.
And that's a special feeling.


Do you know God's will, His plan and purpose for your life?  Do you feel like you've missed the boat on what it is you're supposed to be and do?
I bet if you asked Jesus what He thought I think He'd share it with you.
He's been telling me for years, I just now heard Him.
What's He been telling you?
Think about it.


I'm sharing this at



Blessings friends,


6 comments:

Anonymous said...

You totally could write for some devotional books...I'm just saying. Not sure if that is God's plan, but I needed to read this tonight. Thanks so much for sharing your heart.

ClassiclyAmber said...

I had no idea the depths that your writing and journalism history has taken you! This was so neat to see a glimpse into the life of the Olde Kelli. I'm so glad to be good friends with the New & Improved Kelli, though!! =-D

I've walked through similar struggles with thinking that I was supposed to be "Miss This" or "Miss That", but God showed me a few years ago that my most important roles were to be a wife and mother. It's my ministry! Now...I guess I need to start treating it like it more!

Love you!

Holly said...

My friend always tells me you have to give up control to regain control. That by giving up control you allow the nautral path to happen. I have done this at times...I am not what I set out to be professionally and I never thought I would be married or have children, but when the opportunities presented themselves I was open to them.

Wonderfully writen and inspring post Kelli!

Sandy said...

This is a wonderful post! Thank you for sharing!

Jacky said...

What a beautiful post. I'm only 19, so sometimes I feel like I haven't even started what God wants for my life, even though that's not true. I find it hard to follow God's ways for me when I think that my ways just might be better. Even though I know they're not. Does that make sense? Hmmm. :)

'Becca said...

I know just what you mean! The funny thing about callings is that they're not always permanent. You think you're called to a particular goal when really you're called to that journey and may hear God calling you at a certain point to turn onto another path.

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you will enjoy my story of a change of calling too. I think it's even longer than yours! :-)