Collin's VBAC Birth Story....

Collin Josiah

3/19/13

10 lbs 8 oz.

As I sit here and reflect a week later on the birth of my son I'm in awe. 

I'm in awe of God.  His mercies.  His promises.

I'm humbled by the strength needed to become a mother...no matter the birth experience.

And I'm amazed at how I could have never imagined the peace this birth (its highs and its lows) would bring me after my two previous. 

I am truly blessed.

At 3:30 am, on my due date, I sat facebooking my midwife wishing her a happy birthday.  And asking for labor inducing vibes.

By 6:30 am, that same morning, I was in early labor.

What started as just mild (but regular) contractions quickly turned into what was undeniably (no matter how hard I tried) baby day.  I had full intentions of easing into my contrations.  Making egg salad during the breaks and taking my oldest to school.  But none of that would happen.  I was feeling the tub calling my name.  I was on the phone calling my husband home and my doula to meet us at the birthing center.

The birthing center is an hour away so as soon as my husband was home, we loaded up the girls and started up the road.  I had no idea how hard it would be to labor in the car.  My contractions took on a whole different personality as we drove.  And with each one I would sob.  It would start, rising up my bump, then wrapping around my waist and I would cry out tears of joy and fear and excitement and dread.  I didn't know what I was feeling.  As soon as I could name that particular surge so as to work through it accordingly, it would be gone and so would be the tears.

We got to Jon's mom's house to drop of the girls and then we made the last 10 minute drive to the birthing center.

As soon as my feet hit the parking lot pavement I felt relief and thought to myself, "Great!  All that for this to stop right here and right now!?!" 

But upon getting in and getting checked, I was 5 cm dilated.  It was indeed baby day.

My doula had met us there, so with more time on our hands and managing fine at that point we went to the mall to walk around and grab a bite of lunch.  This was fun for about 5 minutes.  Then people wanted to stop and chat.  Oogle at my hugness.  And relive their own birth expereinces with me.  Endearing.  Well-meaning.  But really annoying to this laboring mama!  And I was in noticible labor at this point.  We stayed long enough to buy some shoes, do a lap and me eat a reuben sandwich then we headed back to the birthing center to get in the birth pool.

When we got there I was almost 7 cm.

I have to note here that were it not for my doula and husband at this point, I would not have been able to embark on the journey that was quickly approaching.  In these early hours, I doubted both myself and my decision to have a natural labor and delivery many times.  But they were unceasing in their encouragement and patience with me.  Even when I was ready to give up.  When I was full of what-ifs, they stood idly by, giving love and a gentle touch when I needed it.

Hours went by and my head began filling with fears of a long labor just like I had with my girls.  I was asking questions like what if he got stuck.  I was terrified of breaking my tailbone like happened with Emma.  All of this hateful emotion started welling up inside of me and at that point it was no longer a quest for natural childbirth, but a quest to squash any and every fear and insecurity I had ever had. 

So went my labor...tub, toilet, bed...and lots of prayer in between.

These contractions spurred on thoughts of all the women who had birthed before me, both known and unknown.  Past, present and future.  I envisioned their strength.  Their resolve.  And I prayed Jesus would give me the same through the entire process.

My prayers coincided with my husband's.  Though in the same room, I felt physically worlds apart from him...as that was how I wished to labor.  But every word from his mouth.  Every look from his eyes.  He spoke a comfort into my being that only he can do.  And I knew, everytime, we were as close as a husband and wife could be in those very moments.  He was supporting me the way I wanted to be supported and we were both petitioning God at the same time for peace, protection and favor in the birth of our son.

Well into the evening and after my water had broken I was surrounded by five angels.  Angels in my eyes and this side of heaven anyway.  My husband, along with my two midwives and two doulas were there lined up by the birth pool cheering me with each contraction.  Though I felt weak and ready to give up, they kept me going. 

Hours went by and basically as things progressed my mind wondered whether I would ever feel the urge to push.  I wondered if it would ever end and if I would ever see my baby.

I distinctly remember looking up and at the five faces surrounding me saying,

"This is the dumbest decision I have ever made."

I was given the go ahead to try a couple practice pushes and believe me when I say, if a laboring mama hasn't felt the urge, knowing which end to push from ain't easy to figure out.  But when it happens, your body takes over.  This primal and innate thing inside of you permeates from your core and you move when your body says move.  You push when your body says push.  You get out of your own way and you have your baby.  It's go time and no time for second guesses.

When that feeling hit, fear was no more.  Everything that caused doubt in me, everything that caused pain...it bubbled up in me and then it disapearred.  It was not even a goal to work through contrations anymore.  It was a goal to have them...scream, grunt, sigh, whatever, through them in order to get my baby out.  Looking back, I can't believe it was me.  Sometimes I wonder if it was me.  Surely this person I'm referring to is someone else, because I'm not that strong.

Fifteen minutes of pushing and my son's head was out.  I watched it happen.  His hair floating in the water below me.  I felt his head.  And I pushed harder to get him into my arms.

At that point, without even knowing for sure, I said he was stuck.

The next five minutes were a whirlwind.

I was then on all fours in the water.  But Collin's head had come to the surface...I had to get out of the pool to deliver my baby.  On the floor, again I was on all fours.  And his shoulder was stuck. 

Tension filled the room and a once comforting and gentle midwife, she became all business, orders and authority.  We had to move quick.

With each push she gently tried unlodging his shoulder. 

Then I was on my back and again as I pushed, she pulled.

I had no time to be afraid.

I had nothing but fight in me.

God would protect us.

My baby was almost here.

And with one last surge, he was out.  On my stomach.  And coming around from the shock of such an abrupt entrance into this world.

I was helped to the bed, the placenta was delievered and I once again had my baby in my arms, him ready to nurse and me reeling from all that had just happened.

I can't begin to describe the emotion pulsing through my veins at that point.  It was indeed scary.  Had I not had the team in place that I did, who knows what would have happened.

But at the same time, it was exhilerating and joyous...he was here.  We were ok,

So did I get the gentle waterbirth I desired?  No

But did I conquer what I thought I could never do?  Yes

And I have a beautiful healthy boy out of the deal.

Not to mention, I found Jesus in all of it.

God blessed me with an amazing support system and birth team.  He claimed all my fears.  He brought my son safely into this world.  I couldn't be more thankful for this experience and for the people that journeyed with me in it.

In this last week, Collin and I have adjusted well to one another.

He is a voracious nurser, just like his sisters were.  He is starting to sleep well at night.  And we are enjoying figuring out what a family of five looks like.

The Lord has been good to me.

Yarn Along...

(sorry for the extremely washed out photo)

This week found me busier than usual.  I typically take my time on projects (as if you didn't notice from the year's worth of work-in-progress shawl), but with about a month to go before Nugget gets here, it is definitely crunch time.

Having said that, I did cheat a little. 

Note, I did knit. 

I am thiiiiis close to finishing my prayer shawl.  It has been a learning experience for sure, but I'm pleased with it so far and I'm looking forward to it being a source of support and love during my labor.  Once it is complete I think I'll move on to a slightly more challenging pattern and try to finish a blanket or vest for baby boo before he makes his debut.

Still using up my "stash" I decided to tear into a pile of thrifted 100% wool sweaters to make some diaper soakers.  I'm kind of in love with these little things.  I'm not new to sewing by any means, but I certainly don't consider myself a highly skilled seamstress either.  So I always surprise myself when I whip up something new.  My plan was to make two small and two mediums, but these look a little on the bigger side to me so I'll hold off until we know how big the boy is.  I tend to have big babies anyway...these will probably be perfect and I can just go up in size from here on out.  The sweaters I found were already felted so they are ready to go.  I did wash them...and I may even choose to lanolize them in the long run as well.  We'll just have to see.  I'm new to wool when it comes to cloth diapering, but I'm looking forward to it's potential...I've heard nothing but good about it.
I used this pattern to make the soakers.

On the reading front, I just started this book...

 

You can read all about it here.

 

So far it has been an inspiring read.  And just what I needed in this 34th week of pregnancy.  At this time (with all three pregnancies) I've found myself stressing more and more about things out of my control...instead of simply relying on Christ for my support.  This book has certainly been beneficial in reminding me that almost anything can become an idol if I let and pregnancy/ childbirth are no exception.  I can't wait to get more in depth with it.

 

Well, I look forward to seeing what all you have come up with this past week.  Your projects and abilities always amaze me!!  Thanks for visiting!

 

Joining up with Ginny for her weekly Yarn Along at Small Things

 

and

 

Nicole for Keep Calm Craft On at Frontier Dreams.

Blessings.



Thoughts...

I looked back at my last blog entry and it was one year ago. Eeeesh!
So much has transpired in that year...for starters, the wee babe in the last post's picture is turning two in just a few days. And of course, we are adding another little one to our family in just a couple months. I am, in the matter of just a few weeks, going to be the mother of a newborn, a two year old and a five year old. That boggles my mind.

But I have so missed writing. In my days I find there is little time for it,and I'll admit I tend to overlook the moments I do have that I could be logging my thoughts, but I do miss it.

I asked my husband, if I loved writing so much and if I felt it was a calling on my life, why did I avoid it like the plague? And I've received my answer many times over ever since.
Because it is a calling, I feel, every time I sit to put pen to paper God pours out. By no means am I claiming to be filled with Jesus. I should be...I want to be...but I very much struggle to let Him consume me. It's a battle that I face daily. I hate giving up my control. But when I write, there is no controlling Him. He is there in all His glory and regardless if I'm the only one reading or not, revelation occurs. The words out there for all to see add a dynamic of accountability, which hunkering down and refusing to sort through issues and brain mess don't provide.

He speaks to me through prayer, through His word, sometimes even through me washing the dishes, but when I write, He not only speaks, but I listen. And that's a scary thing to experience...listening.

I often joke (even though I'm completely serious) how, if I am so unwilling to listen to my God, am I supposed to teach my children to listen to Him, or me, or anyone in authority?

It's a slippery slope I try to walk. But inevitably, He always brings me back around. He always finds my heart out in the darkness and He leads me back to light. Even when I desperately try to outrun Him, or stop writing, or taking up new hobbies to completely block out what it is He's trying to share with me at that given moment...He's there waiting to love on me.

A great example of this is recently I've been knitting a prayer shawl (never mind it's the same one I started a year ago) to cover me during this next birth. And I've said all along how as I knit, I would cover this shawl in prayer, but honestly I've neglected to do so. It wasn't until the other day that as I knit I actually let His Spirit guide me. And though it was less in prayer form, more in just continual concerns, requests, pauses, and even conversation, I left that shawl's progress with peace about everything I brought to Him.

Throughout this whole pregnancy I have been dealing with worry, fear and the what if's of past experience. My concerns have ranged from the what the rest of this pregnancy will look like, the birth, the pain and even afterwards with adjusting to not only three children, but now a little BOY! I repeatedly asked Jesus to give me clarity on all of it...to give me peace in all the emotions, the decisions that differ this time around and to surround me with help and wise counsel.

Outwardly I had stuffed all of this. And I certainly didn't write about it. But during this little knitting dialog that took place He promised if I would listen carefully and ONLY seek Him in all of it, then I'd be ok. My baby would be ok. Everything would be ok. Then He made me promise to journal my thoughts.

So here I am...I may not have been writing all of this before now, but He found me where I was and He gave me answers. He's still giving me answers...everyday I open to the perfect scripture or a
friend emails excellent, godly perspective. A song touches just the right cord with me or I get those gut reassurances that can only be Him. It's been amazing.

So with each stitch of that prayer shawl (that I was supposed to be praying over) I was really hiding under it's gradual completion. However, it's still been the tool to bring down my walls, dispose of my pride and knit me closer to God's heart and His will for not only my baby's arrival, but my writing as well.

I'll look back at today's post and I'll listen. I'll trust. It will serve, just as most of my other posts have, as a reminder that no matter how long I wander, my Jesus is faithful. And He is my strength.

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee. Trust ye in the Lord forever: for in the Lord JEHOVAH is everlasting strength. " -Isaiah 26:3-4

Joining Ginny over at Small Things for her weekly Yarn Along...

This moment...Reading

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Winter...

We went to church yesterday. It has been a long time since we've been. Too long actually. We are searching for a church home and the process has been such an arduous task (always is) that we put it on the back burner for a while. I'm ready to get back to it though. Both my heart and my spirit are in need of it... The worship. The teaching. The fellowship.

The message was quite timely and appropriate for me. It was a new series on winter. Specifically, the winter of our souls. To sum it up, we all, at some point, go through personal winters with trials and cold and loneliness. I couldn't agree more. I myself am just coming out of my winter. Only now am I able to look back and see how my pain spurred me on in my growth.

2011 was a hard year for me both emotionally and spiritually. I wasn't able to allow myself grace... much less from God or others. I tried to forage through alone. And granted, I still made it out. It would have been much easier (if winters are easy) if I had sought Jesus along the way. I'm learning, in hindsight of course, that I'm not left alone...to my own devices. For even when I have no one, I still have my Father God.

With this knowledge I have and am experiencing true freedom in 2012. My heart is on the mend and my spirit is being lovingly brought back to life. Thank you, Jesus!

I now have a quiet time in the mornings that have completely transformed my days. I couldn't be more thankful for the wisdom and the strength I'm gleaning from time in His word...things I've always hoped for, but wasn't willing to put the work in to achieve. Up until now, no amount of encouragement or accountability could have helped me in my diligence and dedication. My winter was that consuming.

But I wanted to live! I wanted change! I wanted more! And I wanted it...now.

My dear mother once told me..."when you want to change bad enough, then you will". My bad enough got real bad and I can't sing loud enough praises to the Mighty One for bringing me to a place where the snow and the ice and the cold let up just enough that I could see my way out, so that I could see Light.
Hope.

My personal spring is here. Earlier than our literal one. But it has arrived to the tune of joy and harps and praises. I hear the song of angels in my heart and it is good.

Winter will come again...it always does. But next time I'll be ready. Because He hears my cries.

I am not alone.

"God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up.  They're created new every morning.  How great is Your faithfulness.  I'm sticking with God (I say over and over).  He's all I've got left."

Lamentations 3: 22-24

The Message

First Yarn Along- A Prayer Shawl

Beginnings of my Honest Warmth Shawl- Windsor (color) Homespun Yarn by Lion Brand

Joining Ginny over at Small Things today for my very first Yarn Along!!

For months I have followed her beautiful Wednesday entires, as well as those that post along, in hopes that I would one day be able to contribute something as well. But seeing as I'm a newbie knitter, all the expertise was (is) intimidating. That and I couldn't seem to manage anymore than a 3x3in bit of knitting before I became disgruntled with my mistakes...ripping it out. Purling gets me all out of sorts.

Then came a new year.

I decided I would choose a project that was farely simple, yet challenging for me at the same time. Ravlery, Pinterest and Lion Brand Yarn became my new best-friends in my search.

I stumbled upon this Prayer Shawl that I fell in love with. It's called the Honest Warmth Shawl by Lion Brand and it will be perfect for what's left of a very cold winter. It is simply a garter stitch shawl with only one yarn over at the begining of each row. And though I had never knit with circular needles, I'm finding it to be easier than I had expected.

So far, my shawl is chock full of mistakes and I don't know that I'm super crazy about the color, but it's mine...it made it past 3x3in and I'm pretty proud. Boy, am I excited to finish this!

As for reading, I've been taking my time getting through The Friday Night Knitting Club. I figured what better book to spur on my new found hobby! It is a good book so far. I just always leave too much time between where I last left off and I have to constantly re-read chapters so I know where I'm at. I think I do this because I'm preferring non-fiction to fiction right now ( I go through phases). Which is why I am reading The Resolution for Women as well. I've only just begun reading it, but it is indeed hardcore. Based on the movie Courageous, the first pages were blatent in that the book and the contents it shares would be convicting. I love reading material like that. Conviction is good. And though I'm not that far in, I'll let you know how it is as I continue on!

Can't wait to show you my progress next week! As well as seeing all of your beautiful creations in the Yarn Along!

Thanks for reading and Happy Knitting!

Goings On...

Here's a few pictures of what's been going on around our home the last few days.  I'm trying to make an effort in finding beauty and joy in the simple stuff.  These moments, uncaptured, may seem insignificant...but when paid attention to, particularly when viewed through a lens, they are indeed magnificent.  What a splendid time for our family.  A time when play and painting abound.  When daddy gets to be home a little more then usual.  Baked bread is smelled throughout the house.  My littlest little is into everything.  My oldest little helps fold her sister's diapers.  And mommy gets to catch up on her reading.

Thank you, Jesus for my life.

Blessings on your day,

Kelli