Most days I feel like a speeding frieght train, out of control, charging down the tracks to pending doom.
When my head hits the pillow at night I feel like my train has crashed into a mountainside, or down a rocky ravine. Scores of movies involving locomotives plague me...no brakes, conductor jumps to safety and the bridge is out ahead.
Most days I'm a momma on a mission and my ability to sit and enjoy my children, exhibit calmness, patience, and lovingly instruct, isn't even a thought in my mind.
I rush from thing to thing...from to-do to the next to-do all while trying to manage a nursing babe and an emotional preschooler.
I hear the squelch of my brakes starting to give.
Though my thoughts often turn to Jesus, my heart seldom does in these moments...when I need Him most. And I wonder who I am and what I've become. A wife and a mom, but who else? Where is the Kelli I once knew?
My identity seemingly jumped ship a long time ago.
The fruits of the Spirit are not mine. They are mine for the taking, but I overlook them as I grab for the controls instead. My temper is quick, my tone is harsh and just like coal being burned up by the second...I've allowed the joy, His joy, to be sucked right out of me.
I slam through the "DANGER AHEAD" sign and the broken tracks are right there...
The alternative to this, quite frankly, seems boring. Even annoying in the throws of my day.
A passenger train going from stop to stop. Letting people on, letting people off. Getting a little taste of each town. Boring? Maybe...but certainly Calm. Sure. Safe.
I've seen these passenger train people before. Gliding through life almost effortlessly. Enjoying each day as if it's a city they've never seen. Not to say they don't have trials...it's just how they handle their trials and everything else in life. I want that and at current I don't have it. They are quick to give credit where credit is due...they are not in control...rather their Almighty is. They have joy. And peace. And confidence. They know who they are.
In Jesus.
My identity should be... is in Jesus.
And if I would let Him steer me, not only would He guide me to safety, but He would reveal little bits of who I am in Him along the way.
What this looks like...
Simply, time with my God.
Prayerful meditation in the Word.
Listening.
Carrying my cross with thanksgiving.
Relationship.
Living it all out...changed.
Next stop...the me He calls me to be.
Dear Jesus, I am out of control. But I long for Your Spirit to transform me. Here...take it all. And show me who I am. I love you.
